Adventure is a State of Mind
How Much Do You Like Control?
Let’s have a show of hands – who here likes to be in control?
Oh, come on, I bet most of you reading this do. How do I know that? Because you’re reading a blog about creating your own travel adventures rather than showing up for a tour that will tell you what to see and do.
When it comes to wanting control, I’m as guilty as the rest of you. The two biggest reasons for planning most of my travels are, first, it is more affordable than organized tours and, second, my husband, Greg, and I are both the first born children in our families. That means we don’t much like being told what to do.
Everyone likes to have at least some control over their lives and travels. It makes us feel more secure. The problem arises when we think we have more control than we actually do.
The Delusion of Control
It’s easy to fall for the illusion of being in control. We make plans, and we also assume that those plans will happen just as we imagined.
If you’ve traveled at all, however, you know that’s not the way the world works.
If you can accept reality and roll with it, you’ll be significantly less stressed than the person getting upset that things aren’t going according to plan. Unfortunately, it’s human nature to overestimate how much control you have in a given situation, as documented by the research of psychologist, Ellen Langer.
It may be human nature, but when you continue to believe you have a high level of control and cling to the belief that everything should go as planned, you’re operating under a delusion.
The Problem with Believing You’re in Control
We’re all generally more emotionally healthy when what we believe is aligned with reality. If you can’t be completely in control, accepting this reality helps to significantly reduce your frustration and stress level.
There is a cost to thinking you’re in control. When things go wrong, you’re more likely to blame yourself. Instead of recognizing things are happening to you, you begin to believe (erroneously) that things are happening because of you.
This misperception can lead to frustration and discouragement. You’ve probably known someone who went on a travel adventure that, unfortunately, didn’t turn out the way they planned and they said, “I’m never leaving home again!”
Their response isn’t because they just discovered the world isn’t completely predictable. (After all, unexpected things happen at home, as well.) Their response is because they worked hard to control what was going to happen, and when they couldn’t, they made the assessment that they didn’t have the ability to plan and control their journey because of some flaw in themselves. So, they now leave traveling to those whom they think do a better job of controlling what happens during their travels.
The Reality of Travel
In a past newsletter, I described how when Greg and I visited Japan in 2018, our timing was perfect for catching the peak of “Sakura,” the beautiful cherry blossom season. (If you don’t receive the Brave Wise Newsletter yet, you can sign up here.)
Despite the perfect timing, I’ll be the first to acknowledge that it was due more to luck than to any magic on our part. There are things we can do to increase our chances of being lucky, but they’re limited. We planned our visit to Japan in the spring, but we all know that Mother Nature doesn’t always stick to a schedule. Had the weather been just a little different, it is possible that we could have arrived a few days too early or a few days too late to catch the peak of the season.
When we travel, sometimes our timing is off, but sometimes it’s perfect. Sometimes things go smoothly, and sometimes there are bumps in the road. Sometimes the plan is very close to how we imagined it, and sometimes there are detours.
We do our best, but not everything is under our control.
The Good News
We don’t have full control over our travel or our lives, and that’s very good news.
What?! Didn’t I say earlier that I like to be in control?
Yes, I do. And, yes, I’m very grateful that I’m not completely in control.
The reason I’m glad I’m not completely in control is that I don’t know everything, and that means it is not possible for me to always know the best plan.
No one can know everything. That’s why our travel adventures are enriched both by the unexpected as well as by giving up some of our control to others. Let’s look at both options.
Happy Accidents
Some of the best things in life are the products of “happy accidents” – penicillin, microwave ovens, and post-it notes are just a few examples of inventions that were discovered while looking for something else or when something didn’t go the way it was supposed to go.
The same with our travels. You may plan out what you want to do each day, but if something unexpected occurs, such as a museum closing for repairs or weather intervening, your plans are going to be disrupted. But maybe, just maybe, what you end up doing instead is actually better than what you initially had planned.
Greg and I once had a hike planned in Greece that got rained out. We instead spent the entire afternoon in a taverna (a small Greek restaurant) eating, drinking Greek wine, and visiting with each other and the owner. It wasn’t on our itinerary, but it ended up being one of my favorite memories from that trip.
Otto von Bismarck referred to politics as “the art of the possible.” I think that’s a great description of travel. Once we start looking for what is possible in any given situation, the unexpected becomes less of a frustration and more of an adventure!
Sharing the Planning
Often, one person in a couple or a group is the planner. There’s a good chance it’s you since you’re reading this blog! And if planner is a role you frequently take on, you’re probably also pretty good at it.
It can be easier and less complicated to let the planner do the planning. But it also can be a more fulfilling trip to let others have some say in the planning.
That doesn’t mean that everyone has to be involved in the planning of every activity. You can delegate some of the planning to others, especially if there are activities in which they are especially interested.
For example, Greg enjoys fishing. When he has wanted to fish during our travel adventures, I leave all of that planning to him. In doing so, we have ended up visiting some beautiful places I wouldn’t have thought to visit and have met some interesting people.
How to Let Go of the Illusion
You’ll notice I didn’t title this section, “How to Let Go of Control.” That’s because there’s not really anything to let go of since you never held all of the control anyway!
Instead, what we want to practice – and it really is an ongoing practice since it doesn’t come easily to most of us – is accepting the reality that we’re not always in control of external circumstances.
What can we control? Our thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors. Yup, that’s pretty much it.
Then there are areas we can’t consistently control, but we can have some influence over. When it comes to travel, these include making plans and reservations and preparing for problems to the best of your ability.
Everything else, including weather, geopolitical events, and the behavior of others, is pretty much out of our control.
So, how do we learn to accept that we’re not completely in control? Here are some of my suggestions:
- Do an honest evaluation of what you can influence. Being honest about what you actually can control or even influence is a good starting point. Yes, you can do your best to try to prepare for things that are likely to occur, but sometimes the unexpected will still happen. If you prepared for rain, but your umbrella isn’t strong enough to protect you from the unexpected hurricane that developed while you were visiting the Caribbean, that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. The weather is definitely not an area any of us can control or even influence.
- Forgive yourself for not being in control. Yes, I know that there’s no need for forgiveness since you didn’t do anything wrong when you didn’t anticipate the unexpected. However, most of us who want to be in control are also quick to blame ourselves when things don’t go exactly the way we planned. Forgive yourself for being human.
- Put your energy into what you have actual control over. Focus on your own thoughts and behaviors rather than getting angry or wishing for what might have been. If you can change the situation, by all means do so. If you’re not able to change the situation, however, focus on changing how you think and feel about what is happening.
- Look for what the unexpected now makes possible. If all you focus on is what isn’t going the way you want it to go, you’ll miss out on all the possibilities born out of the situation. We tend to see what we’re looking for, so start looking for what is now possible.
- Take a deep breath. Trying to be in control is a way many of us try to manage our fears about the world. We have a tendency to think about the worst “what ifs” when a situation doesn’t feel under our control. Instead of letting those fears rise up and choke us, taking a deep breath… or two or three… can help us calm down enough to see what is possible in the current situation. (See #3.)
Choosing to be Out of Control
Okay, I know the thought of voluntarily being out of control sounds, at best, uncomfortable to many of you and, at worst, horrible to the rest of you! But choosing to put yourself in a situation where you know you’re not in control can not only be a good way to let go of the illusion of control but can also add some adventure to your future travels.
Recently, Greg and I were talking to a friend who loves to travel as much as we do. We asked about future plans, and the friend shared that now that his children are grown and out of the home, he has a desire to take an unplanned trip similar to the very first trip he took abroad. He described how he and a friend had a plane ticket to London and a return ticket home from Paris thirty days later, but other than that, nothing about their trip was planned.
He explained that the excitement of that first trip was related to being in the moment and figuring out what he wanted to do right then rather than having a pre-prepared plan. Each moment led to the next moment.
The friend stated that to try to create a similar experience now, after many years of travel experience, he and his wife would likely need to travel to a country where they didn’t speak the language, with no plans other than maybe where they would stay initially. We discussed how arriving without a plan would invariably mean they would miss some of the “Top Ten” places that everyone is supposed to see, but he also stressed the trip would make up for that with the sense of adventure and exploration they would experience.
I’m not sure I’m as brave as our friend yet, but Greg and I have been tip-toeing into being less controlling with our travels as well. Last summer, at the end of our trip to Crete with family, we spent three days in Thessaloniki, Greece, and then three days in Vienna, Austria. We had hotel reservations in each city, but other than that, we did not make any reservations or plans before arriving.
Once we were there, we did a little research on our phones, but we also talked to front desk clerks and restaurant staff, wandered down streets that appeared interesting, and followed our noses to delicious food. In the process, we were treated to a private tour of a Greek printing press and shared laughs with a waitress in a historical building in Vienna. We enjoyed puppetry by the Aegean Sea and listened to music by Mozart and Beethoven played on historical instruments under pink and gold angels in a Viennese church.
By not trying to control everything, a traveler’s schedule is open to spontaneity and happy accidents.
Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.
Steve Maraboli
Travel as Practice
Whether you are working to accept the reality that you cannot control everything or are actively seeking out situations in which you willingly give up your control in exchange for what the universe wants to offer up to you, travel presents a perfect opportunity to practice giving up the illusion of control.
And, if you learn to accept that you can’t control everything when you travel, it will be easier to also accept all of the things you can’t control in the rest of your life. Just think of how that might open up your life to more spontaneous adventures!
What are you telling yourself is under your control that actually isn’t? How can you let go of your illusions of control when planning your next travel adventure?
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